I went to Florida,
hoping to find God.
I wanted to walk the streets
of Leesburg and search for Him.
Would I find Him in the people?
In a picture?
In a sunset?
I was excited.
But.
Maybe I didn't look hard enough.
Because I did not see Him.
I did not feel Him.
I was disappointed.
I began to question Him.
I felt far from Him.
Lately I've been getting
increasingly more and more
disgusted with myself.
The things I do.
The things I say.
Temptations I give into.
I've told myself over and
over what an awful person I am.
If God asks me to do something,
I weasel out of it.
I allow my fear to dictate
how I behave and act
about my faith.
The waves were high above my
head last week.
My faith was wavering.
Florida was my get away.
And when my struggles didn't
subside with that change of scenery,
coming home,
I sunk lower.
and lower.
I began to feel more and more
completely unworthy of God's love.
I wondered how He could honestly
love someone like me.
I realized how much power I
didn't have.
I realized how truly weak I was.
The waves crashed over me.
They swallowed me up.
I was drowning.
Why wasn't God saving me?
Where was my life saver?
Where was my Lord and Savior?
Sunday night.
Waterline Church.
Rescued me.
I walked in with a heavy heart.
I had a thick guard up.
I wasn't expecting to feel God that night.
Even though,
I wanted it more than anything.
I remembered what a friend
had mentioned to me
earlier in the week.
She said, "i've learned
that when I don't feel God,
most of the time, He's
wanting me to pursue Him more."
I realized that before going to Florida,
I wanted to find God.
But what I hadn't realized,
was that the entire time,
I was asking Him to find me.
God reveals Himself to people
who don't know Him.
Because He wants them to
know who He is.
But,
I already know God.
and He knows me.
God was waiting on me,
to unguardedly come to Him.
Just as a friend waits on your
call back after they've tried
reaching you several times.
John Freed's message
was about,
"In the midst of all this tragedy
(Japan, Haiti, the Chilean Miners,
and even the struggles in our own lives),
Where is God?"
My eyes popped up.
The voice within me began
to scream.
"Yeah, God, where are you??
You didn't save me when I needed you most."
I was angry.
John's message continued.
He spoke of how when Jesus
walked the Earth,
He performed miracles.
He saved.
But when Jesus returned to heaven,
God gave power to the church through
Jesus Christ to live like Him.
To do the works and greater things
than Him.
"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." -John 14:12
My eyes were glued on John.
His every word resonating
in my ears.
My heart was slowly softening.
I was physically on the edge
of my metal chair.
I couldn't relax.
I wanted to hear the message quicker.
I wanted to learn.
I felt like all of my doubt,
questions and fear from
weeks before
was melting into the ground.
He reminded us that Jesus
lives inside those who believe.
And because of this,
God works through us.
When we are wondering
where He is,
He's waiting for us to be willing
to be used.
When we wake up,
God tells us,
"I need you to be me today".
My eyes filled with tears.
That message was for me last night.
The sense of belonging
and physical healing was overwhelming.
I stood with tears streaming
down my face,
arms shot towards the sky,
singing the words,
"Give me faith
to trust what You say,
that You're good.
And Your love is great.
I'm broken inside,
but I give You my life.
I may be weak,
Your spirit strong in me,
My flesh may fail,
but my God You never will."
That song means so much.
I couldn't believe how truly
loved I felt.
I left the auditorium
and stepped outside.
With tears streaming down
my cheeks,
all I could muster to say was,
"Thank you for loving me,
thank you for loving me."
When we are not,
He remains faithful.
I fail myself.
He never fails me.
Life is rough.
Keeping faith is
the hardest thing
I've ever done.
But when you reach a certain point,
your life comes to head
and you realize that there's
something more important.
So, I laid mine down.
Again.
I was done trying to
do things my own way.
All it did was lead me
on a path of trying
to please myself.
Of trying.
and failing.
I left Waterline
feeling lifted up.
Accomplished.
Refreshed.
and like I had a new purpose.
I am destined to do the works of Christ
and even greater things.
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