Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Year of Fear.

Well, it happened.
Since I've been able
to hand write my ABC's,
I've been familiar with
the term "writer's block,"
but I never really understood it,
until now.

Looking at my most recent blog post,
dated July 11th, 2013,
gave birth to a great understanding
and to a great mystery all at once.

I can honestly say that I really haven't
given much thought as to why I haven't written
in nearly a year,
I've only missed it.

I've missed it like
a distant friend you can always count on
for a good time each time you're together,
even with wide lengths of time in
between each visit.
But my friend just wouldn't show up.
"Oh well," I would say.

Could it be that since most
of my writings have come from a place
of great passion, curiosity, and courage,
overflowing with the desire to share with others,
that my lack of writing begets
a state of misunderstanding,
paired with a void of curiosity,
courage, and a lack of passion?

Well, this past week,
I figured out where I've been
for the past year.
I now understand why I've stopped writing.

I stopped leaping.

The last blog I posted was
3 months before my wedding.
As you can imagine,
my focus easily changed from
curiosity and discovery,
to wedding and perfection.
I had to fight to keep my thoughts
fixed on the Lord and on the joy
of marriage, rather than the wedding.

Then, I got married.
I was given the incredible gift
of a husband.
A man to do life with each day.
To struggle with,
to laugh with,
to worship Jesus with,
to go to battle with,
to love with.

And I got scared.
So I stopped leaping.
I stopped stepping to the cliff edge
every morning,
with God's arms stretched out wide
on the other side,
gently coercing me to "jump."

I stopped taking the leap that said,
"whatever happens, I'm not afraid.
The Lord loves me and His
plans for me are good.  Therefore,
I could free falls off this cliff backwards,
and know I'll be okay.
I was fearless.
I was so afraid of messing up
this amazing gift that was just
given to me,
bound with my own expectations
of perfection and drowning in
my own fear of failure and abandonment.

So I backed off from the cliff edge.
And decided to "protect"myself
from the dangers on the other side.

I haven't been writing,
because I haven't felt I had anything
uplifting to share.

I've been drowning in fear
of what might happen,
how my marriage might fail,
and how I could screw it all up.
I've allowed the evil one to come in
and strip me of my joy.
And instead,
bind me in anxiety and worry.

The feeling of drowning,
in my opinion,
is the worst feeling on this Earth.
It's an enormous chain,
that won't move by our own strength,
pulling us deeper and deeper under the
surface of the water,
telling us we'll never be free,
so we might as well stop trying.

But the part that's even worse,
is amidst all of my worrying,
all of my "what if's,"
I've missed out on something precious.
I've missed out on part of today.
And of yesterday.
And of the day before.
And of everyday since July 11th, 2013
that I've decided to worry instead of rejoice.

Somebody once said, "there's no room
for worry when we're busy rejoicing."
It's like running a marathon and eating
an ice cream cone at the same time.

So what to do?
Surely not continue to back away from the cliff edge.

Shall I sit and become overwhelmed
with regret of missing out on the
moments I chose to worry rather
than be joyful in the present moment?

Or shall I just jump?
And be fearless?
"A real risk is the evidence
of a belief."
Therefore, if I truly
believe that God is good,
His plans for me are good,
and I trust Him,
why and how could I not live
my life in a way that makes
my belief evident?

there it is.
it's time to be fearless again.
To stop worrying about what might happen.
And start rejoicing in what is happening.

There's just more joy that way.

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