**DISCLAIMER:
Personal information exists in the entry you are about to read. But due to God's
calling, I am humbling myself to write it.**
I've always thought of myself as
"a woman without secrets".
Meaning, I can't really
hold my feelings inside.
I've always been open about
things I've done,
struggles I face
and the insecurites I have.
But lately,
I've been consciously
trying to humble myself.
I'm working on the fact that it
really is okay to be wrong.
It takes a lot out of me to physically step back
and say, "you're completely right, I'm sorry".
Also to recognize and accept the fact
that I am a sinner.
That I really don't have it all together as
much as I think I do or as much as it may seem.
I struggle with things
no one would probably imagine
due to
"the kind of person I am".
truth is...
I'm only human.
Sin is a struggle for all of us
because of how attainable it is.
It is temporary satisfaction.
Our resources are really becoming unlimited.
It's so easy to sin.
We do it and think nothing of it.
Because it has become so accepted
in our world.
What about the emotional uprising
of struggles from our past?
Recently, God has revealed to me
something about myself that I
never really acknowledged.
Something that once I recognized,
helped explain behaviors
I released in my past.
I am extremely self-conscious
around other girls.
And due to this:
I went down a road of pain
and near self-destruction.
Reason being,
from the time I was in about 7th grade
until I was a junior in high school,
I was constantly verbally abused.
By my "friends" and by people
I was acquainted with due to
school schedules.
I didn't ever know how to stick up
for myself.
So I just took what they gave.
It slowly destroyed me.
I began to believe the things
they were saying.
I've always read body language very well
and I knew when they would talk about me.
I never tried to fit in,
maybe that's why I was always picked out.
I was never "good enough"
according to their standards.
Lately I've been remembering
certain words or situations
I was in when I felt belittled.
They're almost like flashbacks,
but I've learned the way of dealing with them.
Even today,
coming into contact with girls either my age
or high school aged,
I am extremely uncomfortable.
I put up a wall so that I will not be hurt.
But recently I've made an effort to remember
what it was like to be their age.
To look at their judgemental attitudes as
an insecurity or a weakness.
God has given me His eyes to see through not only them,
but others around me
and helped me love past this feeling.
This explains why I tend to get along with guys better.
I prefer older guys.
as I have also always preferred to have older female friends.
Maturity levels are important to me.
When I was a junior in high school
I met a guy who was into heavy metal,
leather jackets and spiked braclets.
He was tough on the outside only
so no one messed with him.
I followed in his footsteps.
I was protected when I was with him.
And when I dressed the part.
But, when people hurt, they hurt people.
It only led to a relationship full
of pain, lies and self-depreciation.
I was hit in the face and talked down to.
This is when I truly lost myself.
I remember lying on my bedroom floor.
My arm cut up.
Hating myself.
My throat hurt from crying so hard.
I wanted to die.
I called out to God.
"If you're there, show me.
I thought you cared for me?"
Just then, I instantly felt warm.
Peace overwhelmed my hurting body.
It felt like I was being hugged.
I felt like I was floating.
Like I didn't have to breathe
I had a renewed sense of life.
I wanted to live.
I admit that I tried and sometimes
still do try to take matters into my own hands.
Many times in my life i've proved
to myself that when I take any way
but the Lord's way,
I am left unsatisfied, hurt and hungry.
I am no longer that 13-17 year old
helpless girl.
I've learned that I am completely
and wholly accepted by God.
He created me in His perfect image.
That it is not important to be accepted by people
of this world.
For their standards are irrelevant.
He taught me how to love myself.
To love myself in a way that is not excessive.
For that is pride.
and God opposes the proud.
But He calls us to love ourselves in a humble way.
And in turn, this teaches us to love others.
I began attending Heartland Church
shortly after that night of darkness.
I was living again.
God scooped me up in His arms.
and used this church to teach me
about what love really means.
and since then,
the past five years
have been nothing but a learning experience.
I've grown so much
in such a short time.
And currently God has been
allowing so many great and wonderful things
to happen in my life and in my family.
Words cannot express
the gratitude that fills my heart.
It only leaves me speechless and teary-eyed.
To trust God when you feel blind,
is one of the strongest things I've learned to do.
But, when you truly see and understand
the reasoning behind His allowing your pain
and trial,
it is absolutely the highest form
of amazement I've ever experienced.
Seeing His work unfold,
gives me hope to dance in the rain.
To praise Him through the storms,
because I don't just think,
but I know that joy
will come in the morning.
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