Before Meeting Ezekiel

As I sit here on the eve of my son's due date,
the house; quiet
and the Christmas tree twinkling,
I am reminded of Mary.

You see, God told Jon that we were going to have a son,
that his name was going to be Ezekiel, and that he
would be strong in the Lord.
This happened nearly a year before I even became pregnant.

I can't honestly say that I accepted this task chosen for me
as joyfully and graciously as Mary did when the Angel appeared
to her and told her that she would soon have a son,
that His Name was going go be Jesus, and that He
would be the Son of the Most High.

Mary didn't have a choice.
The Angel didn't ask her if she WANTED this.
The Angel told her that she was chosen.
And Mary didn't just willingly accept.
She actually said,
"I am the Lord's servant,
may it be to me as you have said."
-Luke 1:38

If I'm being honest,
I completely freaked out.
The night of the pregnancy test,
we weren't actively trying,
so Jon and I each bought a Reece's cup
to celebrate either a negative or positive
result on the pregnancy test.
I just didn't expect for it to say pregnant.
So when it did,
suddenly I wasn't hungry for my celebratory treat.
And I wasn't ready to be pregnant.
Or to go through labor.
Or to be a mother.

If I'm being honest,
I fought these feelings for a long time.
Fear of the unknown welled up inside of me.
Guilt consumed me for all of my friends who have
lost babies or who've struggled with infertility.
Who am I to not be completely grateful?

And then the unfolding happened.

I realized that out of all the women in the world.
God chose me to be this little boy's momma.
This little boy who already has a name and a purpose
given to him and spoken to his parents by the Lord.
And suddenly I was beyond joyful.

I remember the uncontrollable tears that flowed down my face
when we had the ultrasound assuring us that
he was a boy, confirming the promise
the Lord made to us months prior.
Confirming that this was indeed Ezekiel,
our son promised to us.

And the movements of his little body as he's grown inside of my womb,
he even moves as I type this,
which makes me fall in love with him even more
and feel so close to him, excited to meet him,
knowing him already.

His excitement; especially when we are in a place of worship,
and where the Lord's presence is actively moving.
Ezekiel does not stop moving the entire time;
reminding me that he is alive in God's Spirit
and the first breath he will take outside of me,
will be none other than the breath of life,
given to him by his Heavenly Father.

And so comes the waiting.

There is quite the preparation that goes into
nesting and getting ready to welcome
a new little one into your life,
but eventually that to-do list,
which has occupied my time for months,
comes to a halt.
That halt happened a couple of days ago.
And now there is nothing left to do
but wait.

How convenient that the waiting began
at almost the exact same time that Advent begins each year.

I'm beginning to feel a lot like Mary all over again.

There is an ache in the waiting.
An ache of longing and excitement.
A longing to snuggle my baby boy
into my arms and kiss his sweet face.
An excitement to know what he looks like
and to learn more of who he is.

There is a letting go in the waiting.
A letting go of time and a letting go of control.
The timing is unknown
and the controlling is useless and needlessly exhausting.

And there is a calm in the waiting.
A calm that says, "trust."
"I have everything planned out and under control."
A calm that says,
"I will fight for you, you need only to be still."
-Exodus 14:14

And so, little Ezekiel.
Mommy is ready.
And not by her own strength.
But the strength of the one who created you.
She is ready for the unknown.
She is ready to dive in.
And she is so, so ready to meet you.