sometimes i feel like writing until i have nothing left to say.
tonight's one of those nights
more than perfect
for a walk
around the block.
the only source of light
is left up to the street lamps
or the occasional car headlights.
soft raindrops on your nose.
the quiet tapping of your shoes
with each step
on the saturated pavement.
a light jacket makes for warmth
as the cool air compromises
by showing the heat of your breath.
we closed the pool today for the winter.
each year during this occasion,
the thought of where i'll be the next summer
never seems to escape me.
i wonder how much more i'll know.
how much more i'll experience.
how much more i'll wonder about.
but as i sit here.
in this chair that has caressed my body from age 14
to now.
from when i was a naive child
with so much ambition and determination
just to prove to people that i was competent
and independent.
to age 21.
the same child with just as much
ambition and determination i've always had.
but more mature.
and less to prove to anyone.
it's now that i realize
i never had anything to prove to anyone.
except for myself.
because, once i got a grasp on who i was as a person
vs. who i wanted to be,
i made the changes.
i made the sacrifices.
the boundries.
the goals.
and the effort.
and that's all that matters.
the whole world doesn't have to love me.
i'm loved by a God who accepts me no matter what.
and that gives me such peace
and confidence to walk into a room filled with the people of my past.
who've doubted.
hated.
bullied.
spit.
&& judged me.
without a single feeling of doubt
or guilt.
what about the days to come?
my whole life i've always felt like i have something
that i need to share with everyone else.
something besides
my words
&&
my songs
sometimes it eats me up inside because i don't know what it is.
yet it's clawing to get out.
i feel like a child who's just starting to learn about money.
i've got a nickel in my two front pockets
and two quarters in the back.
when i go to pay for my ice cream
i search my pockets frantically not knowing
which to give.
how much?
is it enough?
sometimes it's hard to hear God.
i just want to know what i'm supposed to do.
sometimes i get angry.
and impatient.
but then i remember
that i'm not moving any slower or faster
than God has intended for me to.
i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.
right now.
opportunities lie ahead.
and so do decisions.
but i'm not ready for them yet.
but when i am
my answers will start to unravel
and my nickels and quarters will fall from my pockets
into the exact hands they're meant to.
i can't emphasize just how ready i am.
to leave this humbling chair.
get off the treadmill that's taken me nowhere so fast.
and start running on real ground.
into the right direction.
but right now...
patience.
devotion.
prayer.
and
an eager heart.
just like i've always had.
and you...
if your guard was anything less than
an iron gate.
i'd break right through it.
but much can be ruined
with impatience
&& aggressiveness.
just lay down your sword
and armor.
trust that i'm different.
[lyrics by rick stump]
Jesus take my life.
Makes it yours.
Use my heart.
To love this broken world.
I Am All Yours.
[lyrics by rick stump]
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