Well, I guess i'll continue on with these annual new year's re-caps. However, this one is going to be a bit different. In past years i've gone through each season, each month and told you about every single physical thing that's happend to me. But 2008 was a year of spiritual growth.
Really, this year was a complete change for me. I can honestly say, that last year, I was very unhappy. I was settled in a relationship, in a job, every day was the same. Nothing new. I think back to those long 12 months in 2007 and honestly can't remember a lot of it. I was depressed. Holidays and celebrations that should have been memorable, were instead forgotten. This year, 2008 has by far surpassed the last by opening my eyes completely to the word...LOVE. I've been shown more love by God than I ever have. I've learned what it truely means to be a "christ - follower". And because of this I have been given the gift to see the whole picture. Of my life. To see where i want to go, where I could go and most importantly, where I am going.
I encourage you to read about my year this past 2008. I think you'll find it inspiring and hopefully uplifting.
Starting in last January, I decided to end [again] the relationship between myself and Chad. I was tied down, stuck, ready for something new. I had to cut it off because it was holding me back from what God wanted from me. So, I did it. This caused me weeks of an intense feeling of lonliness. I didn't quite know what to do with myself.
One night, I picked up a couple pieces of notebook paper, my bible, and all the books i'd gotten as gifts from my graduation open house last July. I sat, with hundred of pages full of words, a blank piece of paper and a mind racing 100 miles an hour full of emotions, feelings, concerns, thoughts and worries.
"Where do I begin?"
I opened my bible my parents had gotten me for Christmas in 1998 [Ten years ago]. On the insides cover my dad had written:
"Ali, here you will find many answers to many things...Love, Dad '98"
I started reading. I started writing. I decided that I would give up everything. Physically and mentally. My passions, my dreams, my goals, my hopes...my future. I wanted to replace it with God's passions, dreams, goals, hopes and the future he has for me.
I put my camera down - I gave up photography.
I stopped signing - I gave up american sign language.
I closed my guitar case - I gave up music.
I stopped talking to people so much - I gave up my friends.
I started keeping a journal. I'd write in it my deepest thoughts, prayers and fears. My family and God was all I allowed myself to be around. And for weeks, I dragged my broken, weak body to that coffee shop each night, searching, looking for the answers both my Fathers had promised me. And slowly, after weeks of extreme impatience that overwhelmed my everyday life, my desire to live grew stronger as I saw God's awesome hands physically molding my mind, my body and my life the way he wanted it to be.
My brother visited one cold day in February and said "My friend Kya knows this photographer who's looking for an assistant...here's his number, give him a call". I did just that. The next week I went in for an interview at Green Sky Media and was hired as a part time assistant for weddings. It was then I knew I was meant to be a photographer.
A long awaited call came my way one day shortly after that and it was Katherine from ISD [The Indiana School for the Deaf]. She wanted me to come in for a volunteers meeting so I could start working with pre-school aged deaf children starting in a few Wednesdays. It was then I knew that I was meant to communicate with Deaf people.
I started playing guitar again. I noticed not just an improvement in my music, but my voice too. I realized that all the times I spent singing in my car, trying different harmonies with the music I loved, had taught myself to sing better. I started to write songs again, recorded a few and posted them for people to listen. I got positive feedback. It was then I knew I was meant to be a musician.
I was invited to join a young adult's small group. I was the youngest one there. We started reading a book called "Soul Cravings". This book taught me about desires God instills in each and every one of us. Things we naturally crave as humans...love, acceptance and happiness. I spoke to the other young adults about my journey just within the past few months. My mind set and how it had changed. They were interested. It was then I knew I was meant to inspire people.
After God had put my passions I'd so freely dropped just weeks ago back into my life, my friends started coming back too. I began to meet new people, though work, through other friends. I went on a date with a guy in mid february. He was a musician too. We played a couple times together, once in a coffee shop for people to listen. We dated for a couple weeks, but I just wasnt ready...not yet.
By the end of Winter, I'd had my first wedding with Green Sky Media, I was still working at Target, my journal was filling up, my life started to look up, into the direction I wanted it to go. I finally felt free...
But, this is when the true works of God would shine so brightly on my life.
I started to feel an intense desire for, not a relationship...but a connection. A girl my age, an old woman with a story, or a little boy that's experienced more than the average adult. I was desperate. I wrote to God about this almost every night for a week. I felt he wasnt answering.
Until one Sunday morning at church. The service was over and I had just got up to leave when, a clean cut, handsome boy my age walked up to me, reached out his hand and said "hi, i'm eric". I took his hand and told him my name. I didn't feel as though someone had just introduced himself to me, but rather, God had just introduced me to someone. I started to go to youth group again. Every sunday night. I got to know this new friend a little better. This friend was different. Not like any of the others. And when we were together, something just clicked. Not necessarily in any romantic manner, but just a...connection, just as i'd hoped for. It was exactly what I needed. Just to know that someone out there understood me, and thought the same way about things that I did.
Months when on, as much as I'd hoped and wished and prayed that this relationship would go somewhere, I learned that God had only introduced us to play a small role in each others lives and then go on living on our own. I met him just as I had lost hope. And he met me just as he started a difficult time in his life. I was there for him. I helped him get a job and get up back on his feet a little bit. And that was it.
As much as this fogs up my mind with "why's" and "what if's", I constantly remind myself that God is in control and continue to trust that He is doing exactly what I've asked him to - to do what's best for ME regardless of what I think.
By Spring, my church life was growing. I'd started to work with Autumn and teach a Jr High girls small group. Working with girls just a little younger than me, and seeing them going through the same problems as I went through, gave me a boost of confidence. "I can do this". I was surprised to learn that I usually knew exactly what to say when a girl would admit to a problem she was having. God was there.
I started posting on myspace/facebook parts of my journal that I'd write the night before and felt that I should share with others. I began to call them "ali's corners".
I made a "bucket list". Although there are 32 items on that list, number one remains: Go to Italy. I am determined.
Monday Nights became a coffee night with my best friend from first grade, Luke.
I met a guy named Mark. He is my mom's friend's son. We met at majors - our karaoke bar my family and I attend each friday night. We started dating. 4 - wheeling, playing with chickens, his wonderful family. He was a sweet guy, lots of fun and energy.
In the Summer, I was asked by green sky to go on a road trip with them. It was called "The Price of Admission". We'd start in Indianapolis, then go to Louisville, Nashville, Atlanta, Tallahassee and end up in Panama City Beach, FL. In each city, we filmed a music video for different local bands in those areas. Humid barns, grungy practice rooms, and air conditioned living rooms to say the least. The trip was nothing like I'd ever experienced before. While getting to know the Green Sky crew better, I also realized just how much I loved traveling and photography. And to be able to put it all together in one 5 day trip, was unbelieveably exciting.
The day after we got back, was my birthday. My dad set up a karaoke stage outside and we had people over. I turned 20 that day. I definately didn't feel like it. But my party was awesome, I was glad to see all of my friends and family in once place together.
Mark and I started having problems. Jealousy, dishonesty, hurt feelings. Although I'm still not entirely sure what exactly happend, in August 2008, was an end to a good thing. It was the first time I'd ever been broken up with. I'd always been known as "the heartbreaker" because i'm always the one that ends it. I was hurt. Patjones met me at starbucks that night. He made me a napkin flower and brought me granola bars - organic that is. He's my best friend.
By now. I was ready. God had opened my eyes after this one. I'd started to lose myself again. I'd settled in. I'd fallen away from him. I was ready to again lay my life at his feet and let him guide me everyday.
By Fall, I'd gotten to know the Green Sky guys a lot better so I started hanging out with them more. Stephen became one of my best friends. We both were going through similar situations around the same time and we were there for each other. He became my photography mentor. I can honestly say he's taught me if not all, most everything I know about a camera. One weekend in September, Chris, Stephen and I went to Chicago. I've been before, but never to take photos. It turned out to be the rainiest weekend Chicago's seen in a while. We photographed anyways. Soaking wet, I threw my moccassains away but was so glad to be in such an awesome city, so respective of artists of all kinds.
Then, the battle of my heart and mind began. I turned to God. I didn't understand. My heart would yearn for that comfort so desired by a warm embrace. Someone to hold, to confide in, to love. But my mind would tell me no. And since then, I have refrained.
I began to read a book my mom gave to me. It talked about forgiveness and how we're only holding ourselves back by not forgiving people of our present and especially our past. So, I wrote down names of everyone I feel I'm holding even the slightest grudge against, people who I feel I have hurt and need to apologize to, and also people I feel I need to tell them I love them before it's too late. I individually wrote notes to all of those people in my journal. I'm still working on it...but i've noticed a significant feeling of freedom igniting in my heart.
Now, it was once again, Winter. Obama won the election by the way [but that's a whole other story...] My life is completely different than it was winter of last year.
I'm calling 2008 the "year it all began" because it truely was just that. A beginning and a beginning only. And because God has let me in on the "big picture", I now see my life as a whole. I see what I've accomplished, how my experiences reflect who I am [good and bad], I see what I want, what I don't want, what I need and what I don't need. It's most very clear to me and what isn't, I fear not. For God is on my side. I went from wanting to run away into the night, alone, screaming and crying just wanting to be happy, to wanting to run outside into the sunshine, screaming at the top of my lungs the love God has for me. I want everyone else to know too.
I'm overly excited for the year 2009. 2008 prepared me. It began something. I don't know what. And I believe that's what makes it so exciting. God has a plan for me. And not a little plan. But a big plan. A plan where I wouldn't be shocked if I ended up in another part of the world. A plan where I wouldn't be afraid to travel alone. Or even a plan where I become a leader right here in my own community - Indianapolis, Indiana...the only home i've ever known.
Whatever it is. I am excited. I am fearless. I am ready.
Dear God,
Ready when you are...
Love, Ali
i am a
writer, christian, photographer, musician...
LAST YEARS NEW YEARS RESOLUTION:
2008:
"To use my talents [ASL and photography] to make something of my life and put meaning to it.
To become a member of the YMCA and work out. [Get toned, stay healthy]."
I amaze myself sometimes at just how exact my previous resolutions reflect that of the happenings in that year.
THIS YEARS NEW YEARS RESOLUTION:
2009:
"To share ali's corners with other's. Whether it's by newspaper, websites or church bulletins. I experience God's work on a daily basis, and I truely want to share it with everyone else."
"To live out God's purpose he has sought out for me."
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