I always wanted to be the center of attention.
I'd volunteer to entertain others by
putting on dance shows or comedy skits.
I loved being delighted in and enjoyed.
In school,
I'd always volunteer to read aloud out of our
social studies text books or be the first volunteer to
give an impromptu speech about four leaf clovers
or recite "T'was the Night Before Christmas"
in front of my 5th grade English class.
When I was in the sixth grade,
just twelve years old,
I was almost done reading and sharing
my latest essay with my science class,
when my lungs constricted.
I couldn't breathe.
I started to shake.
My heart was pounding.
I couldn't catch my breath.
The whole room was silent.
I stopped reading.
And looked up at 30 pairs of eyes
staring at my failure.
I was having a panic attack.
I sat down.
And I told myself I would do whatever it took
to never have to experience that again.
From sixth grade to my present life,
I've avoided that situation entirely.
In all of my speech classes,
or any class that had potential for
reading aloud,
I had to personally tell all of my teachers
not to call on me.
"I have a problem.
I cannot do it.
I am broken."
At the age of 19,
when I finally surrendered my life to Christ,
I made a deal with Him.
"God, use me for Your will
I'll do ANYTHING for your glory,
just PLEASE don't make me speak."
So, I became a writer.
I think on paper.
If someone really wants to know me,
they must read my writing.
It is where I am most transparent.
When I started college, I was more than
willing to submit to God's calling to study
American Sign Language.
I didn't have to speak!
I could use my hands!
But,
God always leaves room for a sense of humor.
I mean,
how does God most effectively bring glory to Himself?
How does He bring about awe and joy to those who see His works?
Through our weaknesses, of course.
Last year He taught me confidence in myself
and obedience to Him.
This year, He called me to be bold and fearless.
With becoming fearless, He's given me
countless opportunities to do what I don't do best.
S-P-E-A-K.
This means, I have to trust Him.
I have to not just believe IN Him,
I must believe Him.
I must believe He is who He says He is,
He can do what He says He can do,
I am who He says I am,
and that He will come through for me.
Recently,
I had an assignment in my
college philosophy class.
I had to answer the question,
"How am I a morally and ethically responsible person?"
I thought about it.
God tapped on my shoulder.
I realized that I simply CANNOT give anything,
especially myself, ANY credit for my morality and ethical responsibility,
other than God alone.
Jesus Christ changed me from the inside out.
And He asked me to share that with my class.
I told Him I couldn't.
And He told me that I could.
I wrote my speech.
And I practiced several times in front of my bathroom mirror,
a few times in front of my parents,
and even once standing in the middle of iHop.
Never once, during those practices
did I have a good run though.
I never came away feeling good about the delivery of my speech.
That Tuesday morning arrived.
The day I was to give my speech.
I skipped my first class and spent it in prayer.
I was on my knees,
Bible in hand,
yelling God's own word directly at Him.
"In Matthew, You tell me that anything I ask
in Your name, will be done,
I need You to come through for me today.
I cannot do this,
for I am weak.
But You are strong.
And I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
So I CHOOSE to believe.
I CHOOSE to trust you.
You had better come through for me today."
I drove to school,
sat down in my class.
And volunteered to go second.
I stood up to walk to the podium
with nothing more than a couple of dull run-throughs,
and a wavering faith that I claimed to trust God with.
Before I started speaking I said,
"God, You'd better show up when I open my mouth.
If you don't, I will fall."
I opened my mouth.
And guess Who showed up?
Words came from my lips like a song.
The speech I had practiced so many times before,
now had new meaning.
I actually found myself explaining my own words
to myself, in my own speech.
It made so much sense,
that I became more passionate about it.
"By pursuing a relationship with Christ, I've been completely changed from the inside out. My eyes have been opened to the brokenness of this world and has given me an overflowing amount of desire to love. It has given me a responsibility to represent His name through my actions to others as well as a growing desire to love Him by doing what God's law asks of me. His character is the moral example I strive to follow and aspire to be each day of my life. By following the life of Jesus I am following a set of moral laws not created to make me fail, but were actually designed to protect me and ensure a life of peace and joy. As quoted in Galatians 5:22: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." These are the exact qualities I wished to possess as a little girl and I am thankful to see in my life now. I realize now as a grown woman that a life full of unending happiness was unrealistic. What I've found in living a life with Jesus Christ as my Savior is a life filled with joy. Joy is not being happy all of the time, but rather being able to find light in every situation even the dark ones and smile because of it."
I began to speak louder,
and with more meaning.
Each body in the room was leaned slightly forward in its seat,
every eye in the room was on me,
but this time it wasn't because I couldn't breathe,
it was because for the first time,
I could breathe.
And God was breathing His word through me.
After I'd said my last sentence,
I slowly put my notecards down on the podium,
and breathed out.
I looked up.
No one moved.
No one said anything.
No one looked away from me either.
Suddenly,
the room erupted into applause.
One girl stood up in the back
clapping, with tears running down her face.
Another girl came up to me after class,
and talked to me about how the Bible verse
I spoke, touched her in the way that she craved most.
Galatians 5:22 states,
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control."
A week later,
I received a notification on Facebook
from a friend who'd graduated from the program
four years prior saying,
"I heard your ethics speech went well."
A student in my class had told her
about it.
That day I learned
that when God shows up,
He makes an impression.
He didn't just teach me to ACTUALLY trust Him,
rather than just say that I do,
but He spoke to all 26 students in my class,
in 26 different ways.
Since giving that speech,
I've realized what telling God,
"I will follow You"
"I trust You"
"I love You"
can really mean.
Are these things just something we say,
and don't really mean?
Think of your biggest fear.
Now think about facing your biggest fear head on.
Do you still trust God?
Or do you just trust Him with the things you feel you can handle yourself.
Because I'll be honest.
I straight up told God that I did not trust Him.
I told Him that I possessed an incredible amount of unbelief.
I believed nothing in myself could do it.
And only a little bit that God could and actually would.
I left the outcome of my speech and
my reputation, in the hands of
whatever way God decided to show up.
I even thought to myself,
Why would God even WANT to show up?
I've been so awful, so horrid towards Him,
how can He even still love me enough to come through for me?
But He did.
In the biggest way possible.
And this Sunday,
I've been asked to speak again.
I'm giving a 5 minute testimony at Onward Church.
I get to be used by God, to put others in awe of Him.
I get to share with them what I've just shared with you.
Of course I'm scared.
Because when I walk into church this Sunday morning,
I'll be staring my biggest fear directly in its face again.
But,
My God will be by my side,
staring it in its face, too.
This is how My God shows His best qualities.
Faithfulness,
Trustworthiness,
& GLORY.
He works through our weaknesses.
He can do anything.
The only thing that limits us,
is OUR willingness to LET HIM.
"My life for Your fame."
This Sunday,
I'm not doing it for myself.
I'm not doing it for the church.
I'm doing it for my Jesus.
I am an empty vessel.
And His words will flow through me.
He will work in the hearts of those listening.
And His glory will be revealed.
Why?
BECAUSE HE SAYS HE WILL.
:)
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