ali's Corner. [Just Because]

I was 12 years old
when I first realized what growing up meant.

The feeling of losing something you love.
I spent so many nights pacing the floors
of my living room into my kitchen.
repeated.
tears streaming down my cheeks.
it's all so vivid to me.
most of all i remember
that i told no one.

I experienced that kind of pain
for the first time in my life.
The thing that bothered me most
was the fact that I didn't know how to make it better.

The only thing I knew to do
was to accept it.
live with it.
but most of all
move on.

Before turning 12 years old, was the last time I remember
feeling the magic of Christmas.
It was always something I experienced with my brother.
Ever since then.
It's just been a day of the year.
The winter was cold but the snow didn't make me feel happy inside.
The spring smelled good but it's warmth didn't give me hope for a great summer.
The heat was nice but the sun didn't lift my mood.
And right back into Autumn where the falling leaves are supposed to tickle my spirit.
I haven't felt that since I was a kid.
Not until this month.
December of 2009.
Something is different in the air.
I think I've finally realized not what it means to
GROW UP.
not to BE GROWN UP,
after all we're never actually FULLY GROWN and mature.
but to seriously continue growing.

You know,
ever since I was young I've always said
that I won't conform to the stereotyped
ways of the world.
stressful job.
alcohol makes it better.
using people for your own happiness.
using people to take your anger out on.
but sometimes
it's easy to give in when it's all you're around.
i've always told myself that i'd be different.
and I try to be.
but sometimes it takes a little inspiration.
a little step back from the world
to see the big picture.

yesterday I was done with the day.
work.
beat.
me.
down.
so many truely ungrateful people.
so impatient.
and inconsiderate.
some had me shaking with anger.
the ones that were disrespectful to me
i had no problem being anything less than
unpleasant right back.
by 5:30 my body was done being mobile.
I shuttled myself to Avon for a funeral of
a distant family member, but the husband of someone
i've known my entire life.

And I took my angry self pitied attitude with me.
Into the funeral home.
How could this day get any worse?
Then I looked at the face of the woman who just lost her husband.
The casket was open.
No sign of life in his closed eyes.
I then knew exactly how this day could get worse.

I thought to myself
"How can she do it"?
How do you seriously move on from something like this?
Something so unexpected.
He was JUST THERE
on Thanksgiving Day.
It made me angry.
Such a sweet woman doesn't deserve this.
She's truly strong.
Stronger than anything I've ever known.
To be able to say goodbye.
To be able to slowly let go.
She's an inspiration.
To me.
and To who I want and strive to be.

I feel so inspired right now,
to do something just because it makes me happy.
and to truly start appreciating and experiencing the happiness life brings.

the way baking cookies smell.

how your bed seems to caress
your body in the same loving way
no matter what kind of day you've had.

to appreciate how good men look,
no matter they're age,
after a hair cut.
they just look so much better.
so handsome.

warm slippers.

&&

the first snow of the year.

I want to play guitar on the streets downtown around the
lit up christmas tree.
just because.

to go climb a tree
and sit in it just like i used to as a kid.
and write.
just because.


to build a fire
wrap a blanket around my shoulders
with hot [hazelnut] coffee at hand
and write my book.
just because.

to hold onto
someone I care about.
someone I absolutely adore.
I'll give more than I get.
just because.

it's who I am.
and who I want to be.

this Christmas season is going to be different.
I'm finding the magic again.
Just because.
Just because I'm ali.